just happy to be here

I had an excellent Thanksgiving, maybe one of the best ones in recent memory. I didn't think I could put my finger on it- but maybe it's just as simple as being happy to be around that table with my family. In light of this year's misfortunes with Kaitlin's health, I suppose we are all seeing things a little differently and not taking one another for granted. It's also that I don't live at home anymore and don't eat that many dinners with my family, meals with them always ranking high in my favorite things. I also know that we are all closer than ever, bound together through humor and affection that comes out in the most troubling of times.

Before we ate, my Mother attempted to get out some words of thanks- but we didn't make it that far before she was choking up. So we stopped there- knowing that all of us share the same unsaid things to be thankful for. I'd like to attempt to verbalize some of the things we kept quiet about in that emotional moment of gratitude.

This same emotional tipping point happened earlier this summer at our first When I... event. As I mentioned, the turnout was overwhelming- people from every walk of my life were there. Seeing faces of family and friends led to one great mini reunion after another and for a good portion of them I kept it together; many of these people were delightful surprises to see. Those surges of joy all amounted when I looked across the crowd and saw my elementary school vice principal walk in. In that minute-I realized just how enormous this gesture of affection was. A vice principal, who knew my sister over 10 years ago, was entering an event to support her and my family. I was in a room filled with love. Nothing but love and good energy- and people who I've known since a time when I couldn't imagine hurting this badly were there bringing it our way. I am so grateful for all of you and what you have given us in the run of this journey. EVERYTHING has mattered.

On the day Kaitlin was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was rejected from NYU's program in Higher Education Administration. Upon getting into my house to see her that day, I grabbed the mail out of habit. I opened the rejection letter, barely flinched and threw it in the garbage pail. "Oh ha ha I didn't get into NYU," I said laughing while Cali looked at me searching for the cry at the drop of the hat sister she is used to. Since then my approach to most bad news has leaned in the direction of, "ok we're alive. we're all right." I don't see the point in sweating the small stuff after seeing how Kaitlin has handled this very large something. It would be an insult to circumstance and neglect of the inspiration she has brought on. Bad days happen, it rains, your metro card gets demagnetized, that guy never calls and you didn't get the promotion you went up for. But you're alive. And while it's only human to be frustrated about these smaller disappointments, it's nice to chase these feelings with a shot of "It could be worse," OR get rid of negative thoughts completely and think of all of the good that you do have.

I'm not saying I'll never feel bad feelings again... but I'm grateful that I no longer dramatize things that would hold me down while not being worth the significance of doing so. And by the way, in the same year that I was rejected from NYU  I've lost a job, been seriously broke, lost a family pet and my favorite trouser shorts are a bit too snug on me.... have you ever seen me have a woe is me tweet or Facebook status since? I've only talked about the pursuit of what I really want to do, wonderful ways to be frugal, honored my little kitty and worn wonderful skirts. It doesn't take a super human to be someone who brings happy in the way of others. We will all be doing each other a favor. (This is an indirect way of me saying that you need to stop with the "FML" stuff.)

My parents serve as the perfect example of this; because they are still dancing. On Thanksgiving, I caught them gliding away to a Latin tempo in the kitchen. They have always gone above and beyond for us and I know they are tired. My Mother goes out of her way to make those weeks from Thanksgiving to New Years Day a perpetual party-manically shopping for her six adult children and preparing delicious meal after delicious meal for a very large, long, table of loved ones. I recently went through a very scary week where my breast had to be biopsied, luckily everything turned out a-ok. When I needed it most, my father pulled me aside, hugged me and said he loved me. It was all I needed to calm down and be brave. My whole life I've never felt like "1 in 6"- just a number in a lineup; instead I am "1 of six" given a world of affection and wisdom from the two most loving, selfless, fun people I know. And in all of this madness, they still find time to throw me a 25th surprise birthday party, come see my improv shows, spend days at the beach with me or sit around the table and play games with all of us. They too have demonstrated that the best way to get through the harder things in life is to keep living and I love them for reinforcing that lesson.

My sister was born on Christmas Eve and my whole life I've referred to her as the best Christmas gift I've gotten. So you have to understand that I enter the season with a very heavy heart this year. I'm thankful that Kaitlin is healthy. And while I can attribute that to medicine and treatments- I've got to give credit to her soul. Sometimes I look at her and I get hit with an admiration that stings me. Other times, I watch her and think of many scary what-ifs... I think back to the morning when she told me she had discovered a lump and had me feel it. I remember clearly not being worried at all laughing and saying "okay I'm sure it's nothing." Then I kicked her out of my room and returned to my regularly scheduled sleeping in on Saturdays.  Had my Mother and Kaitlin thought it was nothing... I can't bear the thought of the difference those months of ignorance would have made. The mornings after Kaitlin was diagnosed, I would wake up and immediately think to myself how that day was actually happening, how everything had quickly changed- how we can't ever be sure that something is nothing.

Everything has indeed changed, for Kaitlin, for me, for my family. And in your lifetime, something has or will change you. I don't think we need to veer change into the direction of "for the better or for the worse" but more so consider it as the vessel that can take us one way or the other. The beauty is we get to steer that ship and we should always be striving to take that change to the best place possible. I am so happy that I've had a network of people who have taken me along with them to that hopeful, harmonious world. I am so happy to be here and happy to have you here with me. As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, it really is as simple as being around that table. Let's make a promise to never take one another for granted... be that vice principal, be that parent, be that Kaitlin- be someone for everyone and you will have a world that you are so grateful to be living in. I certainly am.

Now friends, let's kick it into Holiday high gear... after all, tis' the season to be Jaci- we've got a lot of cheer to spread!