I once tried to break through a board with bare hands and failed to do so. I once tried to break through a board with bare hands and succeeded. Rarely do I mention either situation but the truth of the matter is- both moments have played a very critical role in the development of my own confidence.
The reason this has recently resurfaced in my own memory is because this weekend I broke a metaphorical board of my own: I drove on the parkway. This may come as a surprise to some of you but I had never driven on the parkway up until Friday night. In High School I was very busy with extra curricular activities and really didn't have much time to practice. My father would drive with me on weekends when I was around but our schedules didn't match up that often.
Finally toward the end of my senior year, when I had a little more free time, my best friends Laura and Carly started practicing with me for an hour each day after school. Trust me you don't know true friendship until your best friends are risking their lives with you in the middle of a huge intersection, nearly missing being hit during a left hand turn. Thanks again guys, I really appreciate the whole putting yourself in such dangerous situations thing. Obviously my lack of experience limited us to local journeys but in the end I did pass the road test. I didn't concern myself with learning anything more than the towns around me because that August I left for college and living in D.C. all of those years I relied on public transportation. When I was home briefly, it was not my priority to go and practice driving. But since moving back last year, I've had a nagging voice in my head telling me that I do need to get myself on the highway. Visiting my sister who lives further away on Long Island, driving to D.C. and not dealing with the bus or even just getting to the mall are all situations that require this skill. Not to mention it's just something I should be doing as a capable 24/
25 in less than two months- year old.
On Friday night, I found myself in the ideal position to do so, as you know me, my sisters, and brother's girlfriend went to see the movie Valentines Day. I'm particularly fond of stadium seating and insisted we see the movie at a better theater that is further out of the way. On the way there I drove and we took the back roads despite the fact that taking the highway would have saved us time. On the way home, at 1:30 am when the movie finished we found ourselves in the opportune situation for me to finally get on the vast road- considering the most difficult part of highway driving is getting onto it and merging, we figured now was the best time to start since it would be easy to do both things with no cars on the road. The girls encouraged me to take that first step.
With their support and my own existing knowledge I felt fine about doing it.
I wasn't nervous to do it. It was the best time to begin my highway relationship and I simply wanted to get it over with. So I got on, I drove, maintained speed, stayed in my lane, changed lanes when my exit came up, maintained appropriate speed to get off the exit ramp and then I was done. And that my friends is the story of how I drove on the highway for the first time. What makes this so special? You may be rolling your eyes or thinking that I am exaggerating the worth of this situation, which I fully understand. In order for you to be aware of it's value we have to revisit my introduction to this blog and elaborate upon the tale of not breaking and breaking those boards.
During the summers of 2004 and 2005 I was a New Student Orientation leader, to this day I still consider it the best job I ever had. This board breaking story is just one of the many experiences that made it so special to me. On the last day of two week OL training, the director of New Student Programs brought in a trainer who showed us how to break a piece of plywood with our hands. We stood in a circle and focused our breathing to be unified, the "Eye of The Tiger" played to pump us up, we wrote our personal obstacles on the front of the board and wrote what we personally wanted to achieve on the back. The idea was to essentially "break through" what would prevent us from being an excellent OL and in turn prevent us from having full confidence in ourselves.
In 2004, when I went through the experience for the first time, I remember being so genuinely excited watching all of my co-workers break their boards. I was one of the youngest Orientation Leaders coming out of my Freshmen year at AU and the upperclassmen were all people I admired and felt fortunate to be working with. I lingered back in the circle, letting basically everyone go ahead of me. When it was my turn, I froze. My form was off due to my nerves and I couldn't break the board with my hand. I gave it two or three tries but kept failing each time- paralyzing myself at the moment I was supposed to make contact or just not using enough force once impact was made. Coincidentally what I had written to break through was "confidence" which has always been something I struggle with. And at that given moment- my own lack of confidence is what prevented me from breaking the board with my hands. The group kept cheering me on and I finally succeeded in breaking the piece of plywood on the back of a chair.
While I was supposed to be happy about actually doing it, I knew that I wasn't done with the challenge because I didn't break the board with my hand. I couldn't settle for what I had achieved especially because the reason why I was able to break it on the chair was what stopped me from doing it with my hand. There was no risk involved in breaking the board over the back of the chair. But with my hand... I could hurt myself. I was so afraid of getting hurt that I'd literally self destruct the task over and over again. But when little harm to myself was involved I was able to break the board with the strength of a warrior. It was all too clear to me and I knew that I needed to get over this fear.
To say that I grew as a person my sophomore year of college is an understatement. Inherently I believe most people do, the insecurities of being a freshmen are through and you have an established group of friends where you truly can be yourself, you have adjusted to being away from home and you have figured out your academic interest via a year of general education classes. On a personal note, I became more comfortable in my improv performances and really started to devote myself to campus leadership. I knew I wanted to be an Orientation Leader again that summer, if anything because I knew I'd be a
better Orientation Leader with more knowledge, wisdom, experience and the belief that all of this was worth sharing with others.
I felt very fortunate to get the job again when I re-applied and was even more invigorated by training that second summer. In those two weeks our group of OL's faced many challenges in team building and I will admit that my 2nd summer around this task was more difficult. In my own personal reflection later on, I realized that some of my own actions contributed to a lack of group mentality. (
something I regret greatly that could be another blog in itself.) None the less as a group one of our most powerful exercises was again breaking that board on the last day of training. To see people recognize their own strength and power while drawing on a source of support and mass momentum is fascinating time after time, person after person, board after board.
Halfway through, a fellow OL went to the middle to break her board and she struggled. In her I saw the same fear that I had experienced the year before. After a few attempts, she asked that she have some time. It's then that I spoke up to the group and informed them that I hadn't broken the board with my hand the year before. This kind of came to a shock to the newer Orientation leaders especially given my actions during training- while I had been very prideful
(to a hurtful point) throughout those ten days I finally showed my vulnerability during that last challenge. And upon giving that statement, I stepped into the center of the circle and prepared to take my turn.
I looked into the eyes of the other returning OL's, then I met the eyes of my boss Tiffany- and I saw that they knew I could do it. No one said a word as I followed the prepared physical movements, synchronized my breathing with the crowd and went into action. Twice you were to breathe in, raise your hand, then exhale while lowering it to meet the center of the board where your obstacle was written. On the third motion you were to follow through with your lowering and break through the obstacle. On my board I had written 'playing it safe' and on the other side I wrote 'excitement'.
'Playing it safe' was not only the thing that stopped me the year before but it was also the thing that unsturdied my confidence for all of my life. I was always so afraid of taking risks and allowed a fear of being hurt to hold me back. Finally I was at a place in my life where I could overcome it. The room stood still, all eyes on me, the inspirational/cheesy music fuzzy in my ears and the board, the only thing in focus. On that third exhale, with all of my physical and mental will I pushed into that board. It snapped in half just as quickly as my own hesitation snapped out of my system. When I looked up I saw a ring of people around me, some with tears in their eyes that mirrored the ones in mine, cheering and applauding my success. I guarantee that doing it a year later felt better than it would have if I had gotten it right the first time. When I broke the board I manifested all of the growth that year had given me with the force of my hand.
My name is Jaci. I'm a badass, I can break a board with my hand. You may have doubted this earlier when I told you that I've never driven on the highway but now I hope this all makes sense. If I had tried to drive on the highway 6 years ago, 3 years ago or even 2 months ago- I probably would not have done it. I wasn't ready until Friday night to just get on the highway and go. And this time around the events that brought me this strength are not as cheery as performing improv or being a student leader. They are as chilling as leaving a city full of your friends to pursue your professional dreams, learning to forgive yourself and others and in the most literal of terms, jumping into the 28 degree ocean in the middle of winter. This time around those are the sources of my strength.
So I broke another board. And this means a lot to me- as someone who trembled so intensely when performing the recorder in 3rd grade music class that she had to leave the room crying, as someone whose shyness made her fumble with clumsiness during co-ed volleyball in the High School gym, as someone who couldn't break the board that first time around, this really means a lot to me. As someone who will one day drive on a parkway during rush hour, who will be able to leap headfirst into a cartwheel and eventually make the $7,000 lofty goal I set for my Polar Bear Swim team, it really means the world to me. We all have boards we've broken and we all have boards to break.
And whether the ring around us be co-workers or passengers in our cars, it is a group energy that helps us break them when the time comes. I hope next time you face a board you need to break, this story is in your own mental circle of positive energy. I'll have you know that the girl who asked for more time and whose self doubt motivated me to come forth and face my own failure went after me that day and broke hers as well. That's the beauty of it all: in our most vulnerable moments we are teachers, we are peers, we are all just human, breathing in and breathing out. Knowing that is enough to help you break through the worst of your world. Now get out there and kick some ass- you know I have your back
Love,
Me
The broken board!
The result of no longer playing it safe
fierce, warrior, pride.
